That's right, there's a page about you now. Yes, you.

This had better be an accurate page about you, considering all of the invasive and highly immoral research into your personal life that I had to do.

Photographic Evidence of Your Existence

Unfortunately I was unable to find any recent photos of you, but after carefully observing you (from the bushes) I came up with this detailed composite sketch.

I guarantee that this image looks exactly like you - maybe in the past, or future, or what you would look like if you were someone else, or like a crappy drawing that someone else in the past, present, or future could have made. You have my promise.*

*Disclaimer: This is not a promise.

Where You Live

Just like the ancient Mesopotamians of around 3100 BCE, you dwell on top of solid land, located less than a dozen miles below the ozone layer.

Your Exact Location

If one were to define an arbitrary position 200 miles to the South-East of your current location, then it could be said that you live exactly 200 miles North-West of that location. Here's a map:

Key: Land is represented by the colour green, and water is represented by green as well. Roads, mountains, and other terrain features are marked using the exact same shade of green.

Road  Mountain  Airport  Mountain Lion

Your Nation and Cultural Identity

The place that you happen to have been born is the best country on the planet. Your culture is superior to those of other cultures, and history clearly shows that your people are superior to people from other places. Your national anthem is mostly about how awesome and/or free you guys are, and your glorious flag is proudly displayed outside government buildings and the homes of the patriotic.

It's lucky you happen to have been born there! It sure would suck to be born somewhere else, especially that one country that really sucks! You know the one! And what about that other country which is also inferior to yours? Those guys are just nuts, eh?!

2019 update: To my embarrassment, I have learned that this section does not accurately describe 100% of viewers of this page. I have been unable to implement a method to guarantee that you are shown the correct description of your own nation and cultural identity. However, here is an alternative description for those who found the previous description inaccurate:

The place that you happen to have been born is the worst country on the planet. Your culture is inferior to those of other cultures, and history clearly shows that your people are inferior to people from other places. Your national anthem is a piece of government propaganda, and the shameful flag of your sinful nation is shamefully displayed outside the buildings of your tyrannical government, and the homes of closed-minded nationalists.

It's unlucky that you happen to have been born there. It would be amazing to be born somewhere else, especially that one country of enlightened people. You know the one. And what about that other country that has been unfairly victimized by yours? You have much to learn from those noble people, and many sins to atone for.

Energy Consumption and Expenditure

You consume the cells of plants and/or animals in order to absorb their sweet, sweet chemical energy, and you convert this chemical energy into kinetic energy which you use to flail your limbs about for various purposes.

Politics and Religion

It wasn't easy to gather information about your opinions related to politics or religion, but I was successful. According to my research, when it comes to touchy topics like politics and religion, your opinions are:

• The correct ones.

Congratulations.

Note: You may know someone who is wrong about politics and/or religion, and if they visit this page, they will be told they are correct as well. This may seem like a contradiction to you, but I assure you, it's just part of the plan.

This page is programmed to lie to people who are wrong, and tell them that they're correct. This is to avoid hurting their feelings. Those people will even see a fake version of this disclaimer that looks exactly like this one, so as not to arouse suspicion. Clever, huh? But you know the truth. Only this message is real. The completely identical message shown to other people is fake.

Trivia

You have access to both the internet and electricity. You enjoy various hobbies and/or sports and/or specific events that take place within both time and space in our dimension.

Just like Adolf Hitler, you are composed almost entirely of water and carbon. You can't deny this.

In fact, come to think of it, if Hitler were still alive, this page would describe him just as well as it describes you..

Can it be? We have a 100% match.

Your local police will be notified. Do not try to run, Hitler.